Going into retreat I had shared with Lori that I knew I was going to get the word obey or yield. It just seemed like in all my conversations and in all my studies that those were the resounding ideas. I hadn’t been ready to let go of my last year’s word “BELIEVE” and get a new one. I was actually a bit sad, because God had tested me so much in that word over the year and I felt like I was just beginning to live in a place of victory in it. So when it came time to receive the new word I had to really take a moment to pray and tell the Lord that ‘yes I was ready and could receive it in faith that He had a good work for me in the new word”. Looking at these pretty little red bags, which one Lord do I grab? I took the one closest to me. Unzipping it revealed the word YIELD. My heart was beating so hard, it was this complete sense of thank you Jesus, You told me this and yes I heard. Do what you need and want Lord. Sharing my word with many of my friends it became comical because of course that’s what I got.
I choose not to do the study time for my word during the designated time. I just wasn’t ready yet. So come Sunday morning I sat down in a very quiet private living room to look at my first verse for YIELD. There it was Joshua 24:23. Now what you need to know is that Joshua is my current Bible boyfriend. In ‘k’ group we are inductively studying the life of Moses but ever since the beginning when Joshua is mentioned in any small verse I am drawn to him, what he is doing, what he is not doing and am desiring to acquire his character. So here I was with my new word ( that God had already prepared me to get) and looking at my first verse (in the book about my Bible boyfriend). How could I not believe that God was showing me something solid to start my year off on His path.
Joshua 24:23 "Now then," said Joshua, "throw away the foreign gods that are among you and yield your hearts to the LORD, the God of Israel."

Great verse but as I sat there and thought Lord what are my foreign gods? Nothing came to mind. Well I’m not one to be deceived by my self in thinking that I’m doing great. So I sat there and told the Lord I wouldn’t move on to the next verse until I could dig through my deceptive heart and hear truth from Him, in what my foreign gods were. I decided to read the verse in context. And of course guess what was the ending verse of that - - obey. The other word I thought I might get. So now I knew God was trying to reveal something to me just in case my flesh or the enemy wanted to deceive me. Good grief how could I not see His fingerprints all over this. I sat there for awhile and still nothing. By this time there were the kitchen girls up getting coffee / breakfast started. Joanne, Mary, Becky, and Nidia. I knew what I should do, humble myself enough to go to them and ask them if they would please be willing to share honestly with me what they thought my foreign gods are. Yes I know CRAZY-COO COO. Who does that??? I'll blame it on sleep deprivation ;0D
Well Joanne piped in right away (this girl loves me so I know anything she says comes from a pure heart of love towards me). She looked at me and said,” your expectations of people” uuhhgggg – the rest of her words are a blur because as the words came out of her mouth I knew exactly what she was saying. OUCH this hurt so much but I knew she was right. Then Becky came over and sat at the table with me. Now Becky is someone I am barely getting to know. She sat there and shared with me that she sees in me a mom that has expectations on her son that is driving him to become a bitter angry person. She didn't say it that matter of fact but that was the bottom line. “O God rescue me from this conversation – I’m dying here” As we sat there and talked I could see the wisdom in what was being said. Now I knew that everything that God was preparing me for over the past very long time, was for this moment. This was MY RETREAT moment. The faithful God in Heaven who loves me with that perfect relentless love had prepared me for this truth. A few things flooded my mind: In the months leading up to the Prayer / Fast vigil that I organized, the main thing God asked of me was to not have any expectations on who I thought "should" be there. For months I was tested over and over again, but I can stand with honest words saying that I did it, I made it to the very end not assuming who should be there – I chose to barely have any conversations with people except that which was necessary. In fact walking in that was a lesson in love that I could have never understood not walking it the way I did. The other thought was how I had handled things at home with Aaron ( school ), for the last 2 weeks, I had made the decision to make school simple. We did 2 subjects a day. I did this for selfish reasons, not wanting the 3-6 hour fighting battle that I deal with on a daily basis. With the prayer / fast vigil and then retreat I needed to have a different focus ( so I thought that was the only reason I was doing it) Well what came out of that was a kid that was excited about getting his work done, a light-heartedness in him that I never saw with school. Aaron saw that he could do it! I saw a glimpse of a child I pray constantly that I would have. So you see when these 2 women spoke these difficult truths to me I was well prepared by the Lord to receive them. So now here I am beginning my year (Leaders Retreat always marks the beginning of my new spiritual year) with a solid truth from God as to the road He is taking me on. I am both thankful and scuuurrreeed!!!!. But in both I BELIEVE He is in it, He will walk with me through it all, and that somewhere along this year I will become a yielded heart to my Jesus.
So in closing to all of you that I have ever not loved purely because I put expectations on you. If I have ever hurt or offended you please forgive me. Never my intention EVER. I don’t get all of this yet I only have this first step of obedience that I need to walk. I know that as I take this step God will bring clarity to my mind and show me the next step. Please be patient with me.

Thank you Becky and Joanne for loving me enough to be boldly honest!

Thank You Jesus for loving correction - I love You and feel Your love right back to me