i'm back

so let's see so much has been going on, hence me not posting - we had our leader's retreat - it was by far the best, but in a very challenging way - the teachings this year were heavy exhortations and corrections from our Lord - now the truth is, this is how i appreciate teachings - don't give me some real pretty fluffy stuff with maybe a verse or two thrown in - i need the hard stuff - the stuff that God requires change with - the stuff that is going to take a scalpel right into my heart and show me the real me and not let me get away with any mask or delusions of grandeur - i could go on and on about the teachings and maybe i'll get to share a little bit later but the real challenges came to me when i got my WORD this year - 1st know that leaders retreat has always been like the begining of a new spiritual year for me ( i think most of the ladies view it this way) - well we get these words and they are words of God's character and or things that God from His word requires of us - truth is all the words are good and challenging - they are not to be thought of as some spiritual fortune cookie though - they have no abilites to change what God has already purposed for us - it just gives us something to study in the scriptures and think about our Lord and what He has for us in the words - it seems that it just heightens our awareness of the word through out the year - you know it's like if you buy a new red car and all the sudden you notice the same red car every where - same thing - so we get these words, chosen by God for us - they have been prayed over greatly and asked of God to put the Word He choses in each hand - so here I was coming off a year of the word righteousness - now let me tell you a little something on that word - for the first time ever i ignored it for most of the year because i was so afraid of it - i was completely focused on myself and terrified of all the stuff that i would have to work on within to be able to even begin to have that associated with me - well that was my first mistake, i was looking at ME!!!! - will i ever learn????? - finally one day i realized that it wasn't for me to focus on me, but for me to focus on my Lord and His Righteouseness - WOW it only took me half the year to get that !- so my journey began and shortly after my focus got corrected I branded the saying, ' Keep chasing righteousness' - that began my everyday to chase after His righteousness then about a month or two ago, I sat down and asked God the ever difficult question, " have I grown at all this year Lord? am I falling into the same sins? do I justify the cravings of my sins? - humbly i will say there was much that had gone to the deepest part of the ocean without me even knowing it - my journey of chasing rightesouness and taking focus off me, i let go of things without even knowing it - PRAISE THE LORD JESUS!!!!!!!!! - i got it, i really got the lesson He wanted me to see all year - focus on His righteousness and my flesh will begin to melt away and i will grow in His likeness - truth be told they were areas that were hidden and most people wouldn't even know but God knows and I know and my heart is full of great joy as He is abundantly faithful - - - - so here is this new retreat and i wait and pray until I can tell my Lord that i completely in faith trust His hand in chosing my word for me this year - this year it took a little longer to get to that honest place of faith, but i finally came to that prayer where I feel so peaceful and excited to see my word - - and there it was - ENDURE - yes i failed once again - i put my focus on me and said,' o Lord what will I have to endure this year?' - well thank you Jesus it only took a few hours for me to repent of my Me focus and I began to think about all that God endures - His word endures forever - His righteousness endures forever - His love endures forever - His grace and mercy endure forever....etc...... - so now the truth is I am excited to face this year and all that He has for me - my focus on His endurance and that will take me through anything that I will need to endure - - now the most painful difficult issue at retreat that still sits unsettled in my heart today was from being called by God to pray and pray alot for retreat and all the ladies -here's the deal - i was called by God to be an intersessor for our retreat - so 6-7 months prior the praying began - first it was a few of us 1 time a month and i was praying alsomost everyday alone at that time- then quickly it went to that few of us praying every week and me everyday - after much prayer and fasting and even taking a nazarite vow for 2 months prior, retreat was apon us - i felt as if i had lived retreat already as God continued to reveal so much about retreat and so much about the ladies hearts to us as we prayed - the truth is there is no greater honor then to be called by God for such a beautiful service as praying - the blessings i could talk about would take hours of posting - there were days that my heart couldn't contain all the love I felt from our Lord that He would entrust such a rich responsiblility to me - so i get to retreat and i am ready to have a fantastic time with all 32 ladies - i have prayed them all up many times over and i was so excited for the work that God was going to do at retreat, now i was sitting pretty just ready to bask in all the after math of the prayers - - - o me of small understanding - - steph and i get to retreat hours before everyone else so we can get the house ready and all was going well, then the ladies began to pour in and my heart was so heavy i felt like i was walking with a black cloud - for the first 20 hours i was so heart broken because i couldn't seem to shake the feeling of heaviness in my heart - i confessed - praised and worshiped my God and nothing broke the chains around me - Lord Jesus what have I done wrong? Lord what have I done wrong? was the question i asked over and over again - - then it came to me - my Lord wanted to know if this was the role I was really willing to take in this group, that of intersessor - - i wasn't feeling my heaviness, i was felling different ladies - i began to understand in my naive immature heart, i felt like my work was done over the past 6 months and the truth is it was just begining and God wanted to put me to the test of how serious are you about this praying role? - now, i need to make a decision - was i willing to allow God to show me a sister and allow me to feel her heartaches, her sins, her burdens, her walls, her mask, her irritations, her offendedness - i will be honest i was never able to answer my God up on that mountain - i went in and out of victorious and defeated moments of doing the right thing and then pulling away because it hurt and i wanted the retreat that i wanted - never did i understand the responsibility that i so desired at one time to have in this group - it's really humiliating and me posting about it is a part of my process of reconciling with my Lord on this issue - so today i stand walking baby steps towards the right things but terrified and ashamed that i am terrified - i long to be completely surrendered to my Lord's calling in my life- but for today i find it bitter sweet - so pray for me - i have begun to understand that to be an intersessor you take on the one being prayed for their circumstances within your heart - i now understand there is a difference in being a prayer warrior and and intersessor - both important but both very different - My Lord is patient as I fight this battle between my flesh and the Spirit.