I'm Back - with a ramble

So this morning I was thinking about this blog of mine and how I really haven't even looked at it in like 15 years. Okay fine a slight exaggeration however, it has been a long time. Then i thought WHY??? truth is I've been going through some things that just have needed to be slightly protected from this blogsville. I tend to not care to much about how people interpret my post, as it is always just a raw unfiltered truth of my thoughts and emotions and what God is showing me. Well this past season I have needed to be a little more protective of circumstances and people so no blogging seemed to be the better right thing. But i'm back and just in need of a verbal unload  - shoot this is my therapy!!!!
3 days from now I will be up on a mountain with 22 fellow CM leaders, in a house, in jammies :), seeking the Lord for self and for our ministry, for 3 days. Now this sure has the potential of some pretty amazing supernatural works of our Lord Jesus but the reality of it all is that it will only be what we allow it to be or to make it completely personal - what I allow it to be for myself. O sure I want the big stuff - the really great personal revival great stuff. But! will I allow it? You see with out personal brokenness, repentance before a Holy God, not much can happen in the light of revival - okay NOTHING can happen. I have spent the last 5 months praying pretty much daily for these ladies, praying and fasting desperately seeking the Lord on their behalf - however, somehow I have forgotten myself in the process. Now maybe that is a good thing because I have always been greatly encouraged and exhorted along the way. But this day I am wondering if I need to shift my focus on just self for these last few days.  Now self tends to get a bit to up in the head with things and not always a good outcome so today my question before my Jesus becomes - WHAT LORD DO I DO- ME OR OTHERS? I'm sure I could debate both sides of that coin to a good resolve however I really just need my ever faithful Lord to press on my heart this day this last step before getting to retreat.
Last Friday we had an all night prayer and fast time for our ministry and upcoming retreat. Even in that evening God was showing me my stuff but all through the night I just continued  to see flashes of others hearts and circumstances and felt so compelled to pray for them. Just being completely about me was a task that took so much concentration and only for moments here and there was really able to accomplish that.
Here is a perplexing thought: one girl focused only on others and I knew that God needed her to see herself more than anything - while yet another girl focused so inwardly that it messed up her head and she needed to focus outwardly. So to see both situations so strongly it just makes me wonder for myself. ME OR OTHERS -  or is it balance?  whatever the natural bent is then the opposite is probably true for the moment. Well that confuses me even more. 17years ago I was only ever in my head - lived an entire life  as the perfect classic victim who could excuse any behavior and truly believed that EVERYONE was wrong, they just didn't get it. Light bulb moment brought me to my knees in complete disgust over myself  and repentance soon followed. Since then I have learned to live thinking of others and not trusting my own thoughts on self as there is just way to much insecurities wrapped up in self for me. So would it be that after 17years the Lord would say time to balance that all out? Remember this is just a vent session and I wouldn't expect anyone to actually track what i am saying here. Maybe with this vent you can see why I'm a bit of a mess - lol PRAY FOR ME!!!!
So today i will trust in the Lord for bringing the circumstances to the table of others or me. Tomorrow will be a new day and with prayerfully a little more clarity will do the same.

I'll be back tomorrow with maybe a little recap of some things that have been going on. Or maybe just some more "WHAT IN THE WORLD IS SHE TALKING ABOUT"  post.

always remember......... keep chasing righteousness!!!!!!
stand firm and don't pray for the trial to go away - God is in it and He has something super fantastic for you to learn in it - You will praise Him one day for it !  just watch and SEE!!!!!