doing the wrong thing

So this is supposed to help me process or in our new word ‘percolate’. Most of this won’t make sense to you all so you might just want to skip it and just go to one of the other blogs that people actually sound sane.
So this grieving thing is really confusing. Things that should make me cry don’t and things that seem like nothing do. It seems like every time I need to have a melt down, there before me is a huge opportunity to minister to someone. Truth is in the moment I feel at peace and full of joy and know that I am honored to still be used by God. Well today was no different except that the end result was well not sure I know an appropriate word for it. Today was our Leader’s ministry teams annual picture. I was really struggling with this one. How can I take a picture with out Donna? You see her and I often had, let’s call them conversations regarding the picture. Stupid conversations that made us crack up. I had all this anxiety about the picture (missing Donna). SO I had this fantastic idea that I would leave as soon as 2nd service worship was over and no one would see me leave and I would easily just be another gal that couldn’t make it. So I was sneaking out and I ran to potty real quick. There was a HUGE need, a sweet beautiful servant from children’s ministry crying really really hard. I helped her to the CM office so that I could love on her and pray for her. An hour later my window of opportunity was gone. When I came out of the office many of my favorite faces were there waiting for the team picture. Feeling like I was about to emotionally breakdown crying I knew I couldn't have them be there for me as they were just about to have their picture done, I chose to leave abruptly. What could I do, I couldn’t sit there and fall apart – nor could I pull myself together. I know I would disappoint Lori in leaving like I did but good grief there was no right answer. I needed to get to my home to fall apart alone. To find my Jesus in all these tears.
I needed to read the story of Miriam’s death and how Moses couldn’t grieve because there was ministry to do. Something like that I knew of the story. I just knew that I seemed to identify with Moses in this and I wanted to see what God was trying to speak to my heart about.
Numbers 20.
So there it was Miriam’s death and nothing else mentioned about it. Moses was instantly thrown into the needs of others. However, I noticed that this time in his meeting the needs of the children of Israel his methods were fleshlier and he put his self in with the category of God. The Word says
Num 20:9-11
So Moses took the rod from before the LORD, just as He had commanded him; 10 and Moses and Aaron gathered the assembly before the rock. And he said to them, "Listen now, you rebels; shall we bring forth water for you out of this rock?" 11 Then Moses lifted up his hand and struck the rock twice with his rod; and water came forth abundantly, and the congregation and their beasts drank.
We know the end result was that because he did what he should not have done; God did not permit him to go into the promise land. But I was thinking what happened to Moses? Why did he lump himself in with God? Why did he strike the rock when he was told to speak to it? And I began to see it because I can see in myself this selfishness of wanting to grieve my way and yet every turn I make there is yet another need to be met. Why can’t I trust my Lord with this process? Trusting that He is saving me from myself, knowing the dark place I could go to if left to my own means and that these opportunities are actually me living out everything that I have ever studied and have been so blessed by in the Word. If I but chose this road with God I will have grieved in the way God can use best in my life. Today I failed. But confession to God and out here in cyber space I have made. Forgive me Lord Jesus for thinking I know best.